Well...no is reading my blog...which I half expected anyway. So, rather than be disappointed by that fact I am looking at it in a positive light. I feel more free to write what I want without that little voice in the back of my head telling me..."well what if so-and-so ever read this".
Sooo...to my audience of no one... I share these thoughts.
Spirituality is something that has always interested/baffled me. I wasn't raised in a church, however I was raised in the Bible Belt of Texas. I was surrounded by Christianity my whole life. It was cool to go to Wednesday night Youth Group and when I was in middle school I felt left out. So...I started going. I'm not going to say that I started going to be cool. I had a sincere desire to know about this "God Thing". I can remember being a very small child and trying to read this worn out old Bible I found somewhere in a dark corner of a closet. I felt a spiritual connection to something greater than myself.
It wasn't until later in my life, however, that I became a little obsessive about it. I would join a church and be it's "All-Star Convert" for a year or two, then I'd make one mistake and abandon it completely. I couldn't handle not being perfect at it. Rather than recognize my flaws as a human being, I would lash out against the doctrine of that particular church and claim that it was false, and hypocritical, and that "no God I loved would damn for my behavior". A year or two later the guilt sets in and I would start another quest for truth. I went from Baptist, to Presbyterian, to Non-Denominational, to "spiritual". A roller coaster ride of faith. It was exhausting and very stressful. I contribute a lot of my sever anxiety and depression suffering to my constant highs and lows of religion.
It was in college that the big kicker came. I was taking a class on Literature of the Non-Western World, and with that came a class about the religions of the Non-Western World. I remember thinking, "Boy these people are crazy to believe this...that's so absurd." Then the record scratch sound happened and I thought, "Oh...what I believe sounds just as insane. I believe that God created the universe and then created a half man half God guy to come to Earth and then die a horrible, torturous death for my sins and all I have to do to be 'saved' is believe it." WELL SURE! Who WOULDN'T believe it if it got them a free ticket to paradise. What I couldn't understand was how I could be surrounded by some of the most hateful, judgemental, and all around shitty people who were "going to heaven" because they believed in Christ.
So once again I trashed it all. I started from scratch. I tried to objectively look at every faith Western or not and honestly come to conclusion about what I knew was right. Like my mother says...some kids experiment with drugs in college...I experimented with religion. Anyway, after my searching I came to one solid conclusion. Something created me because I'm to intricate to be an accidental explosion and collision of molecules or whatever. It was the fact that I had the capacity to think, ponder, analyze, and most of all LOVE, that led me to believe my creator was an intelligent being.
With that as my leaping off point I narrowed it down to religions that centered around a creator that fit my bill. At the time I was dear friends with two members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. So I picked their brains...alot. I wore them out.
I was baffled by how much this "crazy cult religion" made SO much sense to me! It made me feel good. Something that religion hadn't really done. Sure it had made me experience less guilt, but I hadn't felt good deep in my soul. So I took a closer look. The more I looked, the more I liked. I could go into detail about my profound spiritual revelation, but that would seem preachy and sense no one is reading this...it's irrelevant.
So, true to form I was baptized and became a member of the church. I was, more than any other time, the "All-Star Convert". I was dating the golden boy of the church, I was teaching, I was asked to speak and fire-sides for youth. I was a super Mormon.
Then...the golden boy of the church left on his mission. I moved 700 miles away to a new school with new people. It sucked. I was so heart-broken and as hard as I tried to maintain my "Mormon" ways...people weren't as receptive to me. In my home town I had made friends as "Old Brandy" and then they lovingly accepted me as "New Brandy". What I discovered is that in my new town, everyone only knew me as "New Brandy", and she was a goody-goody, and intimidating, and not much fun. So I loosened up, and let my colors shine through. Then I made friends. The more I reverted back to my old self, the more people responded to me. On the other hand, my Golden Girl Reputation at the Church was at stake. I was over come with guilt. I was teaching these young girls about being chaste, and pure, and I was partying my ass off every weekend.
So I gave up...once again. I couldn't take the heat.
Now here I am...two years after becoming inactive feeling that guilt. I've wanted to go back a few times, but my paralyzing fear of failure has kept me pushing those spiritual inclinations to the back burner. I referred to myself as a "Diet Mormon". I believed in the basics, but the sugar on top just didn't do it for me. But last night I had a dream that goes beyond the definition of dream into a vision. It was vivid and intense, like the kind you read about in the Bible. I woke up this morning and can't stop thinking about it. So I prayed. I opened up those scriptures and said, "Alright God, you've got my attention, now what is it that you wanted to show me?" BAM, I shit you not, I opened up the Bible and saw a description of MY VISION. I read on and it spoke of rejecting the truth that was once revealed to you etc. etc. Now I'm a little freaked out..."Okay God, you've REALLY got me here..."
I read on, then I started getting insecure. There are so many tiny details about that church that I just CAN'T come to terms with! How can I agree to be a part of something if I don't FULLY agree with it. Round and round and round in circles I've gone from believing to doubting, doubting to believing. I just want the answer. It's maddening. So here I am in that "transitional twenty something" trying to decide what I believe which will have massive repercussions on my marriage, how I raise my children, how I interact with friends and family, the path I take with my career. It's maddening. Who knows, 2 years from now I might just be the golden Mormon wife, then 2 years later not so much. Only time will tell.
