Here I am twenty-something, nearly two years out of college and "starting my life" as they say. (I've never understood that phrase...who decided that the last twenty-something years of my life weren't actually a part of my life.) Anyway....
I had many ideas about what my post-grad life would entail. As a young girl, I imagined being married to my high school sweetheart and raising my first child in a quaint little suburban home. I imagined a husband that made tons of money but still managed to make time to serve me breakfast in bed, take me out for candlelight dinners, go fishing with the kids, and never give me a spending limit. (Dream on 13 year old Brandy...dream on...)
Then I entered my first years of college and as all fresh college age people do, I had somehow gained all the knowledge there was to know in the world--JUST by enrolling--no classes attended. I was deep and intellectual and worldly. I was determined to shed my "southern" roots to become a woman of the world. I was going to be single forever and live in a cozy loft in NY city and do yoga in central park and eat tofu while I solved all the problems of the world just by talking about "what they ought to do" rather than what I ought to do.
By my final years of college I had actually become quite a successful student of the theatre. I was receiving an outpouring of positive attention from my peers and mentors. I was the girl who was "going to make it". I looked down my prissy nose at anyone who had a degree in the arts and was still living in this town, doing community theatre, and teaching middle school. I was REALLY going to do it, not just say that I was and then cop out.
Well, here I am now. Two years out of school, living in my college town, teaching at a studio and doing community theatre. I'm getting married in four months to a man I met the last 2 years of college. If I had seen my life today 3 years ago I would have deemed myself a total failure.
But you know what....I'm not! I am not a total failure, I'm an epic success story. But it took me a long time to realize that. I'm so happy with where I am and in some way that is the life I always imagined for myself. I got a degree in something I love and I get to do that thing I love every single day. I'm poor as it gets, but I'm surviving. I met someone that really and truly understands me, and oh my god loves loves loves loves me. He's someone I can share every hope, worry, joy, and sorrow with and boy do I have a lot I like to share.
What I believe it comes down to is after "figuring it all out" time and time again I've finally learned I'm NEVER going to figure it out. I'm never going to arrive at that moment when I look around and say, "I did it! This is exactly what I wanted and planned for and now I just get to sit and revel in my triumph." Because life changes. We all say we know that, but honestly I didn't really know it in the way I do now. Life changes in billions of ways every day. Each day brings thousands of small indistinguishable moments that change your path inevitably. That's what makes it great. It's not the moments that you plan, it's the unplanned surprises that are the most cherished blessings.After getting out of school my world has finally had a chance to slow down a bit. I've had the time to reflect and think and write and read and rediscover the self I'd been suppressing for so long. I've learned that I don't care about what's trendy. I tried. I did. But I just DON'T CARE about what Snooki is up to, I think a large percentage of pop music is garbage, I love to read cheesy romance novels, I don't like to "party", I think mediation is cool. I prefer Oprah's magazine over Cosmo, I like doing puzzles and playing board games, I like classical music and show tunes, and I'm damn proud of where I'm from even if the rest of the world thinks I shouldn't be.
I'm amazed at all that I've learned not being in school. I've learned about myself and had moments of deep reflective thought that are helping me shape myself into the person I've always wanted to be. I can't understand why I've spent so many years of life trying to like things I don't, and trying to be someone I'm not, and trying to please those that I can't.
I want to blog--I don't know if anyone in this world cares about what I have to say--but I want to blog. I think my journey in life is full of profound moments and I'd like to think that someone out there would benefit from my experiences. I'd like to think I'm not the only twenty something individual out there whose life isn't exactly what they expected it to be at this point. I'd like to tell that person, it's more than okay--it's great! If life was everything we expected it to be, what would be the point of living it. There would be no surprises. So I'm embarking on this blog journey. To share my life in these transitional twenty-something years where I don't "start" shaping my life, but instead continue to live my life openly enough to allow it to shape me.
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