We're always told that we need to be honest. "Don't steal" "don't cheat" "don't lie" "be fair". Obviously we shouldn't do those things, but it seems to me that it is rarely emphasized to be honest with ourselves. Just thinking about that statement makes me realize how really difficult that can be. One would think "sure I can be honest with myself, I know myself"...but do we?
From the time we are infants we are surrounded by influences that mold and shape us into the adults we become by either our adoption or rejection of the behavior around us. The key here is exposure. (stick with me on this, I promise I'll get there). One child can't possibly be exposed to every kind of lifestyle, point of view, morality code, or whatever. So how do we as growing individuals really choose the person we want to be? In the grand scope of all the endless combinations of thoughts and ideals, each person is really given a vary narrow selection of attributes with which to shape themselves. Now obviously as we grow and journey out we are exposed to things, and some may have the desire to learn and study other cultures and philosophies and adopt those particular qualities to their own life. Yet there is an unavoidable prejudice to the things that are different from what we were exposed to as children. That is where honesty comes in. To be truly honest with ones self, one has to wade through all the (for lack of a better word) crap that has been pushed upon them their entire life and seek out what speaks to their soul.
For example...I have the most wonderful family, they are truly amazing and loving people. That being said I am different from my family. Not different in a black sheep sort of way, I fit in in some capacities just as each member of family differs from the pack in some way. But lets look at one specific example: my mother my sister and I. My mom and my sister are trendy ladies. They always look great....always. They have carefully styled outfits with wild shoes to match, a funky belt, unique jewelry, perfectly applied makeup and fabulous hair. They aren't shallow or anything like that, but they just always look good. Me on the other hand....I'd just as well scrape my face on the concrete as put on makeup some days, and I don't seem to see the problem with wearing lime green socks under my pink crocs to the grocery store. I can clean up nice once in a while, but I don't have that day to day polished look.
So every time I go home to visit I stress out over picking out my clothes. I lay everything I own out on the floor trying desperately to imagine what they'd think looked good together. I get frustrated with myself and fall into this mode of "everything I own is shit", "I don't have one nice thing in my closet". Then I get into town and instead of enjoying spending time with my two absolute best friends, I'm crying in the bathroom because my acne has flared up again and my hair gets "staticy" in this dry weather. We all head out to dinner and all I can think of is how I don't look as good as they do. It down right depressed me.
Now, this isn't like I'm trying to make a good impression on some fashion executives to get a job or anything. This is my family and I know that they don't give two shits about how good I look. They are just so happy to see me. It's me that ruins it. I do it to myself. Instead of being honest with myself and recognizing my insecurities, I blame my family and just blindly assume they would judge me for not meeting their standard of dress. (ridiculous!)
So I've had a come to reality check. I've decided that this misery is absurd and I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to just be honest.The kind of honesty I'm talking about here, is being honest with what really feels good to your soul. What I've realized is that I feel out of my skin when I try to dress like my mom or my sister. I feel silly and childish and like I'm trying to hard to be something I'm not. I love their style but it looks dumb on me. That's being honest. Some people rock certain things, some people don't. At the same time I've learned that I could stand to put a touch more effort into the way I look because it was making me feel like a slob and that isn't who I am. So I found a balance and a style that felt right to me. Maybe it's not high fashion, and maybe Stacy and Clinton would throw everything I own into a trash can, but I like the way I look.
This is obviously a very surface example of what I'm trying to get across here, but I think simple metaphors are the best. It's just that I'm being honest with myself for the first time in my life. Sure at one point I thought it'd be awesome to be a big famous actress, but when I'm honest with myself, I know I don't have the competitive nature, or maybe even the talent to do it. I don't consider that a lack of confidence, I consider that a realistic view that I have taken that allows me to choose a lifestyle that I will flourish and find true joy in.
I have become honest with myself about my flaws. I can be very negative, and I can lash out in defense or out of irritation at those I love most. I can pass shallow judgements on individuals I know nothing about. Since I've been honest with myself about those flaws I have made a choice to spend more time examining me and what I can do to be better, than what I think is wrong with the rest of the world. I am honest with myself that I am not yet the person I want to be (in an internal sense) and that although I'm going to work at it everyday for the rest of my life, I will be honest and confess I don't know that I'll ever be that person because I'm flawed and there is nothing I can do about that. Sure I could get down on myself and make a list of all the things I'd like to change and live life just knowing that once I crossed them all off the list I'd be that all-star person I want to be. But you know? I've done that before! I filled 3 pages in a journal of a list of all the things I hated about myself and decided to check them off one by one until I'd fixed them. I haven't checked any of them off...why?...because we aren't always "fixable" people! We can't shut down for maintenance and repairs! We are constantly going and things around us are constantly influencing our growth. I have to be honest and know that I can't "fix" myself. All I can do is just keep living day to day and try to do one small thing differently that makes me feel like I'm a better person today than I was yesterday. I have to be honest and know that I'm gonna mess up big time--many times--before my life is over and I'm just going to have to pick up and keep going. And you know...I'm honestly happy. (What a thought to have be honest with yourself that you are indeed happy.) We live in such a world of "your life is so hard you deserve this treat"...who the hell decided my life was so bad? I'm allowing myself to be happy.
Honesty is can be that thing that makes you look in the mirror and say, "I'm falling apart and I've got to change", and that can be hard and make us want to lie to ourselves. But honesty can lead us to being truly happy and joyous within our selves and our circumstances. So despite it's occasional tough love....honesty is till the best policy.
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