I believe there are two large motivators in this world. One being love, and the other fear. As much as I would like to think that I'm one of those awesome people performing selfless acts in the name of love, I realize I'm much more likely to respond to the things I fear.
I read an article today that says negativity sticks with us longer than positivity which is why we have to constantly remind ourselves to "think positive!" However, it isn't that we are all just a bunch of "negative-nancys", it really comes from a survivors instinct to respond in fear. When I first attempted to make chicken fried steak I stupidly let the chicken breast plop into a pan of hot grease therefore splashing the grease up the majority of my hand--result?--a HEALTHY fear of hot grease. Now I have evolved to using a fork to place the chicken GENTLY in the pan while leaning the rest of my body away...far away. The fear of that pain has stuck with me...the negative thought...in order to protect me. This is healthy fear. Also the reason why a woman who operates power tools is less likely to injure herself than man.(not a sexist statement by the way) A woman generally has a healthy fear of power tools where a man feels the testosterone surging through his body makes him invincible. Fear...a good motivator. Survival of the fittest after all.
On the other hand...fear has motivated some of the worst crimes in history. Racism, genocide...these aren't acts of hatred, they are acts of fear. What motivates countries to go to war? Fear. We are afraid for our safety so we puff up and act in the name of fear. Now before someone gives me the whole GO AMERICA LETS KICK ASS speech, I'm not anti-war. War is necessary in some circumstances. I'm NOT making a political statement...AT ALL. What I'm saying is that if we can't learn to control our fears and respond to them in an appropriate fashion, we can find ourselves continually waging war on our everyday life. Fear can cause me to look at a man on the street not with empathy and compassion, but with suspicion and judgement. Fear can cause me to never open myself up to someone or something different to what I'm accustomed to. Fear can ultimately cause a stand-still for personal growth.
My predicament then is how much fear is healthy? Lets revisit the "man on the street" scenario. If I was the kind of woman who motivates every thought and decision in love, I'd go up to him and strike up a conversation, give him some cash for food/bus fare or whatever--I'd also be statistically more likely to get mugged, kidnapped, rapped, or murdered than say my fear driven self who would hold my car keys like shank, park next to the street light, and walk out of my way to stay far away. Chances are you'd say, "well you have to look out for yourself", "its better safe than sorry", "you just can't trust people anymore". Yet, anyone who has attended a Christian church has been preached at time and again about love, and how what we have done for the least of men, we have also done for Christ. So is God instilling a healthy fear in me for my own safety, or is Satan planting seeds of fear in me to harvest hatred in this world?
For example, one summer when I was home from college, I was working in retail and a new employee started there. He was nice enough, super out-going and friendly. As we worked together I got to know him and his story. He had been on the road and was currently homeless and living out of his car. He didn't have his first check yet, so he was out of cash and also out of food and clean clothes. I let him stay on the couch at my parents house for one night, fed him dinner, and let him use the washer and dryer. My brother was there with me, so I wasn't alone. I felt I had done a kindness. Nothing bad had happened. He was grateful for the act and then a few weeks later he quit the job and moved on. When my parents came back in town and found out I was remprimanded in a way a 16 year old girl would be for getting in a strange man's creepy van. They thought it was the stupidest thing I'd done and you know what... I kind of thought it was too. I had no defense to offer them. I knew what kind of danger I'd put myself in and my brother. I still don't know why I did it. I'd like to say I just "knew" nothing bad was going to happen, but I didn't. I was really scared about him being there and overall pretty uncomfortable the whole time. So what was it all for? Sure I did a kindness, but I paid for it in the form of a good lecture, and everytime I reflect on that night I shudder thinking what could have happened. Was it worth it? I'm just being honest. I'd like to say "knowing I helped someone in need is a great feeling, and I'm glad I did it", but fear has caused me to say "that was stupid, thank God nothing bad happened, I'll never do that again though, I'm not gonna press my luck".
I feel defeated by this idea. It's like you can't truely love a stranger, at least close up. Why do you think there are so many "save the children" programs where you just send your change? It's because we are too afraid to get in there and be up close and personal with it. Fear. Not selfishness, but fear. As an intelligent human being with a fight for my life instinct, I can't dismiss every fear, it'd be stupid, and I would jeopardize my chances to survive. I can't go against my instincts right?
So maybe what it comes down to, is letting go of my fear for failure and seeking the things I truely desire in life, or getting past the creepy smell and texture of tofu to give it a try. Yet still listen to my fears next time I'm walking in a dark parking lot alone. Upon my judgement day I'd like to think my God, who is supposed to be my father, would understand. Just like my own father would rather me spare kindness for my own safety, my God will understand why I didn't go give that shaddy guy on the corner a hug. Maybe that's wrong, but I believe in trusting my feelings because if I can't trust the way I feel, what else can I?
P.S. My fiance just walked in not knowing what I'm writing and said
Him: "whatcha doin?"
Me: "blogging"
Him: "so, can anyone read your blog?"
Me: "yea"
Him: "well aren't you worried about all the creepers?"
Me: (with a self satisfied grin) "interesting you should say that, I can let my fear of creepers motivate my decision and not blog, or I can let my love of sharing and connecting with others motivate me and blog anyway in hopes that someone out there will appreciate my thoughts."
Moral of the story......today....LOVE WON! ; )
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